17 year old girl accidentally hanged herself while trying to scare customers at a haunted house called CREEPYWORLD near St. louis. She’d only worked there for two days, and police think she climbed in a bathtub, put her head in a prop noose, lost her footing and ended up hanging herself for real. She is in critical condition.

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In Argentina, feshermen caught a THREE EYED FISH in a reservoir near a nuclear power plant. Hello.

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Steve Jobs….his sister revealed his final words upon his death. He looked at his family and said , quote,”oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow.” In a good way. And then he lost consciousness. What a story. What did he see…this gives me chills.

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last week in Florida police busted a 42 year old woman for walking around with an open container of colt 45. And when they searched her they found a Bible …that had been hollowed out so she could store her crack pipe inside.

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Eating junk food has been scientifically proven to cause nightmares…On our hips…Am I right girls?

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Steve jobs hated license plates for his car. So what did he do? In california you have six months to get plates for your car after you purchase it. So He would buy a new mercedes every six months to avoid getting the plates for his car. That is eccentric.

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On saturday, in Massachusetts, a 57 year old convicted sex offender went into a Rite-Aid, drunk. He proceeded to go up to a sunglasses display, which featured a life size cardboard cutout of a woman…and started kissing and fondling it…he was arrested.

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How many more families is Monopoly going to destroy/ on wednesday, a 60 year old woman in New Mexico repeatedly stabbed her 48 year old boyfriend because she thought he was cheating in Monopoly. Now she is in jail explaining to her cell mates what happened.

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Early sunday, a man in Georgia was FURIOUS when he ordered two TACO bELL’S NEW DOUBLE X CHALUPAS..

and they didn’t  have the amount of meat he was counting on. So he called the restaurant, told them he was going to quote ”redocorate the place”…then he tried to throw a homemade FIRE BOMB through the window. He missed, so there were no injuries and police are looking for this redneck.

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Early yesterday morning, a 24 year old in Colorado met a woman on CRAIGS LIST and invited her to come to his house. But when she got there around 3:00am, they guys girlfriend came home. He panicked and called the cops, pretending the craigs list woman was a BURGLAR. But the cops saw thru the mess and he was arrested.

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Ketchup is the number one condiment. Mustard number two.

Turkey sandwich number one.

two fun facts you’ll never forget

On Sunday morning, a 22 year old idiot in pennsylvania was going house to house, ringing doorbells, and exposing himself when people answered. Fortunately for the people in the neighborhood, after a few houses, heinadvertantly went to the house that belonged to the local CHIEF OF POLICE. Not good. He is now in jail with several charges.

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Burge King brings all the love soon.  In Japan, Burger King is running a two week test where they’re offering ALL YOU CAN EAT WHOPPERS. fOR $11 BUCKS YOU CAN EAT AS MANY WHOPPERS AS YOU WANT FOR HALF AN HOUR. Heaven….hell yeah.

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Roasty the Racoon. From Memphis. Yesterday some folks around 1985 Madison thought they could smell something funny in the air. Police come to check it out and find a guy roasting a racoon on an open fire pit. Really? Who doesn’t love a little racoon roasted on an open fire pit like you’re robin hood in the woods. After further investigation…cops found tons of stuff related to meth cooking. Surprise…….on the menu tonight …how about some german shepard.

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here we go: Good Batch today

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1)The Mc Rib is back at McDonALDS….YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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2)WORLDS WORST SMELL-winner Wet Dog beats out stanky socks. I think waiters with sour tshirts should be number one. Best smell-freshly baked bread-bacon and newly washed sheets. also puppy feet and little Elliot after a bath. Baby fresh.

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3)20 percent of women would rather give up sex than facebook

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4) here’s a trick to help keep vandals from messing up your car on Halloween….wax your car today. By Halloween the wax will have settled in and make it easier to wash the eggs and silly string off the car without doing paint damage.

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5) earlier this month, an 80 year old man in maine died. And when his family was going thru his storage unit, they found an unplugged freezer containing/…HUMAN REMAINS. It’s believed to be his ex girlfriend that went missing back in 1983…sweet   ..thanks pop.

Last week in Nevada, a 35 year old was getting married to his 30 year old fiancee. And clearly, his mother did not approve….because she busted into their wedding, yelling, to try and stop it. The man responded by picing up his mother and carrying her out of the church. She ended up calling the police and he was arrested for domestic battery. He was arrested? really…how does that work.

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On Thursday night at the UCLA=Arizona game…a guy ran onto the field dressed as a referee and started streaking. It was high larious…He has been charged with FELONY criminal impersonation…..and could get up to 18 months in prision….not so funny now. is it.

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Rolling Stone magazine says the number one worst song of the 70’s…tah dah….’DISCO DUCK”…BY RICK DEES

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The age people start to hate looking in the mirror…45.People under 24 look at the mirror ten times a day on average.

People over 45 don’t like what they are seeing in the mirror….so take care of your skin and quit smoking now. Wear some sunscreen even now.

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Quick reminder: harold camping predicted the world to end on May 21st…nothing happened to my knowledge. He says it began on the 21st and will end tomorrow….so get busy getting your stuff in order today…eat a big lunch and walk out on the ticket…get a speeding ticket and tear it up in front of the officer….tell your significant other how you really feel about their cooking abilities….buy season tickets for the university of memphis football program…buy ten thousand tickets…charge it.

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An Iowa couple in their 90’s died last wednesday after 72 years of marriage..They were in a car accident, made it to ICU, and died exactly one hour apart…while they were still holding hands. cool

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Schools are closed in eastern Ohio today…all the animals from an exotic animal park have escaped….I’m talking bears, lions and tigers oh my….all being shot as they ravage a community. Like a horror movie only real. The owner is dead and the animals are raising hell…stay tuned.

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Three Amish guys got arrested for cutting the hair off some other Amish guys.

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A construction worker in arizona arrested for assault last week…for licking a wmonas scraped knee after she fell down

A guy in Michigan had his nine year old daughter drive him to the store cause he was DRUNK. He went to jail for child endangerment.

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Here’s todays tip: when you run your car into a ditch and the cops ask how much you had to drink….don’t say” two pizza’s’…and while you’re at it lose the heroin.

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Fire fighter catches a boy dropped from a third story window and is instantly hired by the Miami Dolphins.

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There’s a guy in Vegas with a 100 pound scrotum

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Last month, a German tourist disappeared on a small, remote South Pacific island in French Polynesia. And after weeks of searching , researchers found his clothes,bones and charred flesh…cannibals. u got it..yum yum

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I love drinking a delicious 40 ounce as much as anyone. But they’re not worth this. On Thursday a 22 year old woman in New Mexico wanted her boyfriend to buy her a 40…and when he didn’t she stabbed him in the arm.”I want my forty”…stab stab stab…get her the forty next time.

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Last week, police in Illinois were chasing a parole violator and he ran into a cornfield to hide. So they came up with an idea to flush him out…they asked the farmer to harvest the corn and he did. He fired up the combine and drove it til mr parole came running out.

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Wash your hands…most cell phones (one out of six not really most but) have fecal matter on them. also today when you sign your credit card charge at the store with that weird little pen that is attached to the credit card thingy….just think how many nasty hands have handled that little gem this week..